PRIDE and PRIVILEGE

I’ll never forget the day my elementary school-aged daughter decided to paint green stripes in her hair for school. The day we went out to get the hair dye was full of excitement; she couldn’t wait to get home and read the instructions so that when it was time to fix her hair before school in the morning, she would be ready. She had trouble sleeping the night before because she was so excited. And my normally-hard-to-wake-up child was up and dressed before me. Because we were up so early we were ready early, and she spent that last half hour before we were able to leave for school admiring herself in the mirror and dancing around. And her smile! She loved how it looked, and she loved having that look for herself!

As parents, we cherish those completely-happy-in-the-moment moments our children have, don’t we? I started my day just as happy as she was, because there is NOTHING better than seeing someone else truly happy – especially when it’s your own child.

And she came home crying.

Not just crying. Crushed.

A few of the kids at school didn’t like it and made fun of her.

Can you imagine what that felt like? I’d bet money (and I don’t have any) that you can – because I’ll bet more money I don’t have that you have experienced something similar.

Even now, I can still feel the pain of that day, almost 20 years ago.

I was just as crushed as she was – maybe even more, because it took me a lot to learn to have my own confidence enough not to let anyone else take it away – and that is exactly what she did, she let someone else take it away from her. And I had to watch how she handled it that first time. I got to watch her then begin and continue to hide certain expressions of herself out of fear of how others would react – and nothing I said to her made any difference, because peer acceptance at that age becomes more important than personal identity and pride.

But it’s not just at that age, is it? Despite that we are told that we can be whatever and whoever we want to be, that we need to find our inner talents, to find out who we are so that we can be the best individual we can be … to love ourselves… we are taught that conformity to social acceptance means more.

That is an idea that we have perpetuated even after we got out of school and began to make our own ways into the world (after realizing that we needed to have some measure of self-awareness to do so), by still buying (literally buying) into the need to keep up with the Joneses, in the need for fashion labels (but only the ones that others have), and the need to ‘not upset the apple cart’.

(That’s funny on its own: apple carts are outdated, too.)

Be what other people think you should be. Hide what someone else might not want to see. Live according to other people’s beliefs.

Read: Be who you are told to be. Who you are doesn’t matter.

I am a straight, white female, and I am still fighting that same battle to be self-confident enough to paint green stripes in my hair – but there is one major difference in any of the battles of self-love I may face versus the battles some others may face: my biggest opponent is myself.

I can get a tattoo, wear my hair down, wear makeup, stay single, have children, get married, have children, get married and not have children, get divorced, get married for a second time not in a church, live with someone out of wedlock, have sex without being married, and fall in love. Sure, some people won’t approve of me and may judge me. Some may avoid associating with me. Some people may even not like me.

But I will NEVER be physically threatened, abused or denied my personal rights for any of that.

And that is PRIVILEGE. The fact that I am allowed to be me, even if being me is considered cause for some judgment.

I will not be refused at a bakery when I try to order a cake –

- there's a funny irony there: I would be if they knew me, but I won’t because my sexuality and/or personal identity has not been made a focus of contention.

As a woman, I face my own challenges of being allowed to be who I am without judgment or unfair treatment, but still my life and livelihood are not threatened by it – and that’s only because I’m fortunate enough time-wise and geographically. I am Privileged because of that. There’s no doubt in my mind that if I’d been born in other places and other times, I wouldn’t have reached the age I’m at now.

Which also proves that times change – maybe not fast enough, but they do.  We all now can wear white after Labor Day and eat meat on Fridays without fear of being ostracized or penalized in any way.

And fear is what prevents any of us from having any pride at all. We have been trained to follow conformity for acceptance, and then try to enforce others to toe the same line we had to toe – even if we didn’t like it.

We were taught that ‘because I said so’ is reason enough to follow someone else’s rules. We swallowed all of it, and believed it for no other reason. And we felt we had to, because if we broke those rules we might not be loved, might not be accepted, might not be taken seriously, and might not be allowed to  __. In turn, we’ve forced those same limits on others, even saying “Because I said so” long after the original “I” has been so far removed we don’t even know that person.

Even the ideas what people should look and be like were fed to us. A woman needs to be of a certain shape and size. Jesus was white. Women couldn’t wear pants. Men shouldn’t be wearing makeup and dresses - even though not too long ago they were the ones wearing the hose and wigs; and it has been less time since that men weren’t supposed to pierce their ears.

Personally, I think we should stop telling children/people that they can be whoever they want to be, because we don’t mean it.  They learn from us what we ‘expect’ from them first in how we dress them, how we tell them they should act, and in how we allow them to express themselves. We confuse the separate ideas of ‘preparing them for the future’ with ‘deciding for them what they should do and be’. The only pride they are allowed is what we give them if they kowtow.

Pride is not to be taken for or from others. If we truly want our children – and people - to be happy, we should let them be concerned for their own pride without having to consider what would make us proud. Pride is a personal thing. Pride is self-happiness, self-confidence, self-acceptance … and self-love.  

There is a reason that people aren’t happy. Most of it stems from feeling the need to follow expectations, rather than make our own paths. It is not noble to be a martyr; sacrificing your happiness takes away your ability to share it with others, and if you’re dead there’s nothing left of you to help anyone. You can’t “love anyone as you would love yourself” if you don’t love yourself.

Pride with a capital P is that self-love made visible. It is a bold measure of standing up for oneself and saying that my own acceptance of me matters more than yours does. Although it is not defiance, it is viewed as such when someone else disapproves.

Privilege with a capital P is knowing that no one will discriminate against or physically hurt you for having that pride.

I was at the Boston Pride parade in 2019, and I saw a Queen decked out all in silver, walking towards me on the sidewalk. She was not part of the parade but celebrating with it. She walked down the sidewalk with her head high, a self-confidence I have yet to achieve – without arrogance, and a look of such happiness and serenity that I cried.

I cried.

I cried, because seeing that contentment was beautiful. And I cried, because I remembered that look on my daughter’s face as well as the abrupt cessation of it. I cried, because I knew she would not be able to walk like that, feel like that under other circumstances. I cried for the losses of personal freedom that allow for some people to only enjoy moments of serenity, when others are allowed to gad about as they please without fear.

Like it or not, it has become necessary to stand up for Pride in sexuality and orientation; just as necessary as it has been for women to be able to say “No!” and black people to stand up and say “We Matter!”

It’s all the same fight. All any of us are demanding – because we should never have had to ask for it in the first place– is to be given what we deserve to be given as our human birthright:  the respect of being allowed to be the beings we are, without fear of persecution.