No Justification Needed

I've been posting more about working in coffee shops during the downtime I have in my day job as a chauffeur, and when I realized that I felt the immediate need to justify what could be considered an unnecessary splurge. I work the insane hours I do because I have to, and spending $3.00 on coffee a few times a week seems a little extravagant on my budget (especially if I splurged on a snack or even a meal once in a while) - that's what I've told myself for years. Because of that way of thinking, I'd spent many hours in my vehicle, trying to write in a terribly cramped position (how long can you sit in a car?), sometimes listeniing to my stomach growl because I was out so long that I'd already eaten the food I brought. How much can you really pack to take with you when you have no idea how long you'll be out? It's not like I can count on having all the space in the front seat or trunk, because I don't know that far in advance how many passengers I will have (or how much luggage they are taking).  So I would sit cramped in my car, nobly suffering because of my 'situation'. If I was out for too long and got hungry I'd end up with a headache that would interfere with my work day, prevent me from being all that productive during my downtime, and limit any motivation I might have had when i got home after work. All that because i couldn't justify spending money when I was trying so hard to make it?

One day I just decided, fuck that. For so many reasons, I deserve to not feel that splurging on myself is a bad thing - and who's to say it's a splurge at all? Anything that negaitively affects my workday is something that should be addressed. I do what I can to accomodate my hours, and I do what I can to make sure I'm not wasting time. As a writer-who-needs-a-day-job, finding time to write around said job and other life responsibilites (like kids) is not easy; I'm just fortunate enough to be able to squeeze it into my day job. And writing is work, even though it's something I love to do. I spend my downtime at my day job working.

This allowing myself to work my second job comfortably and to eat when I was hungry was not something I was able to get in the habit of overnight; I took baby steps - basically finding the excuse, the reason why I should be able to do that, like a coupon or occasion ... any excuse enough to make me feel justified. But I've been working on it. i work too hard and too much to treat myself like I'm second-rate. Plus, when I've perched on top of my soapbox I've insisted that life is not meant to be only about sacrifice; it's time I lived as if that applies to me, too.

And now?

This is a fucking good cup of coffee, and because I use a reward card here I got a dollar off a delicious chocolate chip muffie! I'm making good progress on my next book, and even though you can't see me I'm smiling (good news for my next client) - and there's a bathroom nearby when I need it!

I even managed to not smear chocolate on my keyboard or doodle! Yay, me!