Thanks For Giving

It’s that time of year, the holiday season that begins with the concept of gratitude and ends with a time of giving.

(Then, of course, comes the crash after the holidays when real life sets in and winter gets ugly and we’re all miserable again.)

(But for now…)

Giving is a wonderful thing, and not just in terms of holiday gifts; we have better things to give to others: support, time, attention, appreciation, and love. These are things we give out daily – but only to some degree. How we give out these ‘gifts’ usually depends on how much or little we value the recipient or how much or little we expect in return.

That is not something most of us want to think about, or admit publicly; but it is true. We act like we ‘give’ our time to our jobs, but that is a trade and not a gift; we trade time for money. We hold our time as valuable, and mete it out according to what will bring our best benefit – God forbid we waste it on anything or anyone that might not deserve it.

We are even worse about it when it comes to giving to groups or groupings of people, collectives. In the classic case of throwing the baby out with the bath water, we ignore those good because of the perceived ‘bad’.

There’s the debate about giving to the homeless that came about because of the people who have made a business out of it. There’s also the judgment we make when we look at someone with a ‘please help’ sign – when we decide whether or not they look like they need it. The thought becomes why give money I worked hard for to someone who looks healthy enough to work for it his or herself? With all the new light that is being shed on depression and the illnesses that ‘don’t show’, we are being hypocrites for even considering to know what another is able or unable to do.  And then there is the distrust that that person is going to use the money to feed a habit rather than a family.

I have a friend who was in the military and did stints in both Afghanistan and Iraq. When he came home, he would not wear his uniform anywhere and would not talk about or let anyone know he was military, because people would come up to him and thank him for his service. It was a statement against other military personnel who used their military affiliation, wearing their ‘I Was There’ badges, for gain and praise. My friend felt bad for all the people who ‘gave’ money, time, and attention to those bad apples, the people who were just as much ‘assholes in the military as they were at home’; the people who shirked their duties. While this example is in the reverse, it does highlight a judgment we can make before we decide to give anything.

First things first: there are bad apples in every group. Homeless, military, educators, politicians, waiters, flight attendants, mechanics, accountants, non-profits, kids, adults, men, and women. Is it worth punishing the all for the actions of a few? To not help someone in need or to not give because what you give might end up supporting an endeavor you consider to be wrong? That is judgment, and judgment has no place in the spirit of true giving.

Think about the people that thank the veterans, especially the older generations who remember the time past when veterans were treated like shit across the board. In their deferential treatment of men and women in the military, they are trying to right a wrong. Then, there are people, too, who feel they are not in a position to be able to help in any way and they give what they can in the only way they feel they can, whether it’s a free cup of coffee or just verbal appreciation. Should someone who wants to give be denied because they don’t have the time for a full background disclosure on a person or group to determine worthiness? Wouldn’t that sacrifice the good for the sake of the bad?

The best way to help yourself is by putting your arms around another, by helping someone else. That sentiment alone defines the connection between all of us. There but for the grace of God go I. If we haven’t walked those miles in their shoes, then we really can’t determine blame for their situation. We all need something at some time in our lives - it’s a circle; our giving sustains all of us.

It is not about gain or judgment. Helping someone else, supporting someone else, giving anything of yourself to someone else is not a trade of any kind. What matters in the giving is the intent behind it; you need to want to help, support, encourage, appreciate, and acknowledge for no other reason than just wanting to give. It is your intent that carries the weight. If you give from that place of love (and that’s what it is), that love is what will be spread – no matter what the other person does with it.

We don’t hold doors open for people behind us just to have them say “thank you”; we do not help up someone who falls for what that person can give in return. We give just to give. When that is your only reason for giving or doing for another person, you are increasing the good in the world. Give, just to give. Gifts of love and kindness are always in season.

Even after Christmas.

Thank you.