Another Kick in the Ass

This morning I decided that my day off would be mostly devoted to things I wanted to get done, rather than things I had to get done. (Mostly. I can’t leave everything unattended.) Even if my next day off is spent grumbling about having to finally get to the have-tos-that-I-should-have-done-sooner, I deserve a break; have-tos on the day off only make it another work day. 

I chose to organize my writing/craft area so that when I do have free time, I’ll be able to just get into whatever project I want to work on. Instead of music, I decided to listen to an audiobook. I will not give the title away because it doesn’t matter, but I will say the book falls under the broad ‘Self-Help’ category, having to do with the also-broad subjects of creativity and bravery.

The subject matter had to do with ideas I’d written about in my blog and enjoy thinking about – a rather funny thought, that what I write may be considered self-help, although I will admit writing about certain things helps me.

While I worked, I listened to the author give her backstory, noting the similarities and differences between us. Then she jumped into the book itself and, after listening for a while, I very disappointed in myself and mildly discouraged.

I understood and agreed with all the points she made in her book – so I have to say, “It’s a good book.”

But I wrote it already! No, she didn’t steal my work. She was just saying the same things that I’ve been saying – the same things I’ve been writing in my blog – for years! (I even went back through my blog – organizing work was forgotten – to see how long ago I wrote that idea, or that thought, or that solution.) And she probably came to these same thoughts and conclusions the same way I did, by studying her own experiences and paying attention to what was going on around her.

Being validated in this manner, hearing that you were right or that what you have to say is relative, is not fun and does not make a person feel better. Instead, it was a hard kick in the ass because this woman just this year published what I have been writing for years, but on a larger scale than I’ve been able to reach, has given Ted Talks, is making money at it  - and I’m still killing myself working 60- to 85-hour work weeks to live and fighting to find the time to write so I can get to where she is.

This is not the first time this has happened (nor is it the first time I’ve written about this happening in some way). My usual fall-back used to be the comparison of backgrounds, where I’d go out of my way to point out all the benefits the author/creator had growing up that I didn’t and use that as the reason he or she was monetarily successful and I wasn’t.

Of course, as I grew a little more I began to pay attention to the problems they may have had, the obstacles they faced, that I didn’t have to worry about.

Then, later, I began to look at what they were doing now, regardless of past help or obstacles.

And then, I began to look at what I was doing now, regardless of past help or obstacles.

We all come to our conclusions at different stages. While certain ideas may have come to me ‘first’, she reached another life stage faster than I did – that stage where you push forward without giving in to limitations. I knew when I started my blog that I was only taking baby steps towards my writing goals, and it was a big accomplishment back then that I took that step. I’ve even written a couple of books – bigger steps.

That’s when I hit the wall that she apparently broke through: the wall of taking yourself so seriously that others have to as well. To promote herself, no matter what others may think. She has more courage than I do – remember, having courage doesn’t mean you are afraid, it just means that you believe what you are going for is more important than your fear.

Believe me, I see the irony in the fact that I’ve written about the idea of courage while having to admit that I may have less than I thought before I listened to my own words being told to me. AND for this to hit me a week after just writing a blog about jumping in with both feet. 

And that’s a big kick in the ass.

What am I going to do about it?

Okay, I might allow myself a little more self-pity and abusive self-recrimination – but I promise to put a timer on that.

Then, I’m going to remind myself that what I write is valid, that I am valid and worthy. And I’m going to check my belief system on the importance of what I want versus what it could take to get there.

And I’m going to keep writing – and I will get there.

(But right now, I have to start on the daily have-tos.)

Look at me; I learned something without even leaving the house!