Doing It Anyway

We all know the saying, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Susan Jeffers wrote a book with that title - and I acknowledge the synchronicity of our shared name as I struggle with this particular idea.

I have encountered very few instances where I have felt (or maybe acknowledged feeling) actual fear. I’ve reached a point where I learned that most of the fears I grew up with were excuses I used to limit myself (I am fortunate that out of my many issues, common phobias are not included). After that realization, I’ve been able to temper down the initial more-balls-than-brains reaction to something more like reasonable caution.

My “I’m a Writer” announcement to my little corner of the world a few years ago was a big deal for me, but more about my tiring of my own self-denial than overcoming the fear of ‘coming out’ as a writer – after 39 years, squashing that side of me finally got to me. While that may sound like a silly thing to be afraid of, I was afraid.

I came to understand that what worried me the most was the reaction of other people, particularly those I cared about. I had been taught early that self-expression mattered little when stacked up against convention and responsibility. Writing was a foolish hobby that wouldn’t take me anywhere meaningful, despite the fact that there were and are many people successful enough to take it to that level. Obviously, I wasn’t one of those ‘special’ people; therefore my expressing my wish to be one of the elite could possibly be met with ridicule – especially doing something so foolish 'at my age’. In the house I grew up in, the idea of being a writer was a foolish fantasy - and I spent the next almost 4 decades hiding it as a private shame. 

After that announcement though, I began to worry less and less about what others thought and care more about how real it made me feel. I wrote a lot of self-indulgence and then finally began to get more personal. It took three attempts to start a blog that ‘stuck’, I spent many hours looking for places on the internet to put my byline with limited success, and then I finally self-published one book, then another, and a third with a co-author.

The bottom line was that I was writing. The more I wrote, the more I found I had to say – and some of it was even serious.

I also realized how much better I felt about myself.

And then I hit another wall of fear; I wrote something deeply personal and found myself hesitating before I hit the ‘publish’ button on the blog. Now, I’ve already accumulated enough years under me to embarrass myself in a more public manner – and I have –  and it’s not like I have thousands of people reading my blog, but there’s something about seeing it in black and white. There’s also the whole ‘internet is forever’ thing.

It was when I realized my reason for hesitating – fear of embarrassment – that I slammed my finger down on the button and published it. Yeah, that may have been a little brainless, but it felt good and right. What was funny was that I started receiving private messages from people that were actually embarrassed for me. Obviously, I didn’t just hit on my own nerves.

And I didn’t die. Since then, whenever I become aware of that fear of what people think I take that as the strongest indicator to push forward and publish.

Now I’m writing a collection of essays. In basic terms, I’m writing my own opinions (philosophies?) on certain subjects that may be considered mildly controversial – and if they aren’t, the way I’m writing the essays may be considered as much. None of what I’m writing is any different than what I’ve been willing to speak about regularly, either.

I first noticed my struggling when I had to write promotional material for this book; when one is writing a story, the promotional writing is easy because it’s about the story. This book is not a story, and because it’s my own voice I have to essentially promote myself. I have to explain why anyone would want to read it what I have to say. A simple elevator pitch (2 minutes talk) and two paragraphs had me pacing for days.

I still feel that part should be written by someone else!

Now, I’m finishing up the book. The last essays being completed are the ones that expound on my most extreme opinions. Since they were always planned to be part of the book, I didn’t notice I was having any issues until it came time for me to pass them out to my group of pre-readers/proofers and I realized I was not sending certain essays to some of them – and it had to do with worry about their reactions. I even noted the possibility that I could lose a few friends over what I have to say.

Well, it took me a few days to work through that. I had to get all macho and adopt a slightly in-your-face attitude with myself. I’m not writing anything to try to offend people, yet I’m not trying not to. I can’t; because if I try not to offend anyone, then I can’t write the way I write – the way I am. If I’m to practice what I preach about being genuine, then I have to be honest with myself and about myself.

And I have to be myself.

Hey, no one can do me better, right?

My struggles, my fears in this area are nothing new to me; it’s taken a lot of work to let go of expectations and that fear of judgment to the extent that I have already – it’s just galling to me that I still have more work to do, that I still have a measure of fear in me regarding what anyone else thinks of me.

I'm hoping for this book to be published within a year's time; unfiltered, unabashed, and unapologetic.

Because, despite my fear, I’m doing it anyway.

Yay, me.