The Friendship of a Lifetime, Relationship Lessons, and 50 Years!

When we are very young, our first friends are determined by geography and our parents. After we start figuring things out on our own, we gravitate towards certain ‘favorites’ and even later we begin to choose.

I am one of the lucky ones, because those that were chosen for me back then are still the ones I choose now.

Chosen for me. I like that.

I met Michael first – but I don’t remember ever not knowing him. Our parents were high school friends that stayed close afterwards. He was born a month before me and we were always together. We have pictures of us taking baths together.  Even when our parents moved out of the city they moved to the same neighborhood, three houses apart – even closer than they had lived before. Michael is as much a part of me as … well, me.

That move to the new neighborhood just before our 7^th birthdays brought me to Donna, my first best girlfriend. The three of us were always together. It was a great neighborhood; those were great years.

Today, Donna turns 50 – the last of us to hit the milestone – and she is still my best friend. Michael chose my step-brother over me when we were 13 – that’s allowed, because he’s a boy and he needed someone more of a boy than I was! – but we are still in contact and I still consider him very special, and very much one of my closest friends. I do wish he lived closer now.

We are 50 years old. We are 50 years old!

I don’t care about age (but I care about birthdays!) and I have never felt ‘old’, but I feel a certain awe in realizing what that means. I remember being in elementary school and seeing the ‘older kids’ at the bus stop and wondering how cool it would be to be their age. Then, when I got there, I didn’t feel any different. It’s the same way I feel now – young and stupid – and it’s amazing to realize that I am feeling the same way now at an age that seemed so far away from me as I did back then.

What’s wonderful about that is all that I have to look back on - what’s even better is that Donna is a part of all of it.

We learn about relationships as we have them. What I’ve learned with Donna is what I believe relationships should be, even the romantic ones (just with sex, obviously). True friendships should be the basis of any romantic relationship, and I believe we would all do better if we focused on the friendship part more, because as a society we have swallowed a lot of bullshit regarding what romantic relationships should be. It’s amazing how many couples survive with the level of expectation put on certain relationship roles. Expectation is the killer. We have less expectations of our friendships, yet they seem truer and seem to survive longer. What does that tell us?

I joke about wanting a boyfriend like Donna (again, with sex, obviously). A person who is honest and honestly himself with me. Someone I can be honest and honestly myself with. Someone who will still like me when I’m honest and honestly myself. Someone who doesn’t want to change me, hide me from other people, control me, or make me his ‘responsibility’. I want a partnership. When I can say if I’m displeased and not be wrong for feeling that way. When I can be told I am displeasing and not feel that any love becomes conditional on my reaction. Someone who can kick me in the ass when I need it, but from a place of love and not judgment. Someone who realizes that our ‘roles’ are dependent on our individual strengths, and can change with each situation.

(Hey, sometimes I like to be on top.)

Someone like Donna. Donna can kick me out of her house so that she can watch football and not be disturbed by my attempts at amusing myself when I get bored 15 minutes into the game. Donna can tell me she just ‘doesn’t want to’ do something, and I won’t be hurt or believe that it is a reflection of anything. I even allow her to have other friends (friends) and her own hobbies separate from mine.

But when we are together, we are together.

I told my daughters I was going to marry Donna if she’d have me. My oldest thought it made great sense; my youngest was bothered by it – not because she’s against same-sex marriage, but because she’s against lying. She worried about how Donna would feel if I wanted to go out with men; I told her that Donna would be free to do the same.

Hey, ‘rules’ and ‘roles’ in relationships should always be determined by the two in the ‘ship, and no one else.

(But I do love messing with my kids!)

What’s also great about this friendship in this ‘advanced’ age and stage are all of those special memories at each stage of our lives. No, we don’t necessarily get smarter with age – just more fun!

I was 45 when I was – for the very first time – that person at the party who was holding up the ground. It was Donna who held my hair for me, put me to bed, and called my daughter to tell her I was staying over (with a little white lie).

It was Donna who wanted to take a bat to the man who broke my heart four years ago. I laugh every time I think of her telling me that, because it’s just like when we were little.

And just this year it Donna who sat with me at the beach while I was in my underwear because I was unprepared for that particular activity (thank you, Victoria’s Secret, for making that possible).

And then there was the time – nevermind. Some things will just stay between us.

I trust Donna, with everything. This is what a relationship should be.

And I love her, more than she knows.

Happy 50^th Birthday to my very best friend!